What Retail Employees Wish You Knew

With Black Friday and the holiday rush right around the corner I thought I'd take a moment to give you some things to keep in mind while you're shopping.  They're pretty basic things that a lot of people either never learned or have forgotten...

Retail employees on the front lines (cashiers, salespeople, customer assistance) are not in it to get rich.   Typically we get paid shit.  For some it's a second job, for others it's a way to make ends meet.  Remember that when you're dealing with us.  Yes, we get a discount.  Which we use to buy more stuff in the store.  

We have to ask you about credit cards.  We have to ask you a second time about credit cards.  Sometimes we have to ask a third time about credit cards.  We don't want to.  So be nice when we do.  "No, thank you" works well.  "I'm sure, thank you" also works well the second time we ask.  Complaining about the interest rates really doesn't work so well.  When in doubt, lie.  Yes you have the card.  Or both.  Or all.  We'll never make you prove it.   

Hang up your damn phone.  If you come up to the counter on the phone we understand.  As long as you put the phone down.  But if you come up to the counter and keep chatting away it really pisses us off.  We don't want to know that Becky told Steve that she likes Nick but she really likes Bobby.  And that Becky is a slut.  Ask the person on the other end to hold on for a moment while you spend 60 seconds at the register.  Unless it's a life threatening emergency.  Because if it's a life threatening emergency you probably don't need those skinny jeans.

Don't yell at us.  You have no idea how many times I've been yelled at in different customer service jobs.  We know we make mistakes (okay, maybe not me but others) so give us the chance to correct them.  We're not robots.  It's not our fault that we don't have bathing suits left in October.  Or that we don't carry the brand you're looking for.     

We are selling the products.  I do not go back into the warehouse and make it myself.  So don't bitch at me because something didn't work, or the quality was not what you expected.  Tell us the problem and we'll offer a solution or 2.  Yelling and screaming will get you nowhere.

Hand me the money.  Don't put it on the counter and slide it over.  And don't lick your fingers then count your money.  It's kinda gross to get your spit on the money right before you hand it to us.  And money has enough gross shit on it.   

The customer is not always right.  Sorry.  And if a customer says that it just makes it worse.  Yes, we're not perfect.  But neither are you.  So if you're an asshole we may find ourselves moving a little slower.  Petty, yes, but makes us feel a little better in a warped sort of way.

Don't walk up to a counter and say "I want to talk to a manager" and then refuse to say anything else.  Sometimes it's something we can help with and that will save you time.  If you really needs to talk to a manager it will only help you to have us explain it to them first.

The flip side is that sometimes we are limited in what we can do so we have to call a manager.  Understand that we are not doing it because we're trying to inconvenience you. 

Watch your kids.  Here's my "favorite" kid story.  Mom is in the store with her son, who was about 6 or 7.  He wanted candy and she said no.  So he spent the next 5 minutes screaming and telling her that she couldn't be his best friend anymore while he pulled clothes off the hangers.  Then Mom's phone rang.  She answered it and kept talking while browsing the racks.  After a couple of minutes I realized it was quiet.  And I didn't see the boy.  So I got concerned and walked around the racks.  There, behind the jeans, was the kid eating a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.  When he finished he walked back to his mom, who smelled the candy.  She scolded him and they walked out, leaving candy wrappers on the floor.

Don't come in and trash the store.  We are the ones who have to clean it up.  The shelves and displays are not trashcans.  Don't draw penises on price tags (yes, that's happened).  If you pick a shirt up off the table don't drop it in a ball.  We appreciate it if you make an effort to put it back the way the rest of them are.  Even if you do it wrong.  Don't leave crap on the dressing room floor.  Like your old bra when you steal a new one (yes, that's happened too).  And if you knock something over just pick it up.  Not that difficult.

Treat us the way you want to be treated.  It's that simple.  Acknowledge us when we say hello.  Please and thank you are magical words.  Or names are not "hey you, in the black shirt", "missy", or "honey".  Don't think I can't tell you where the spark plugs are because I have tits.  We have bad days.  People tell me how good I am with customers, how happy and friendly I am.  No, I act like I am.  I really don't like people.  We know when "it's such a beautiful day outside", you don't have to tell us.  Most of the time we'd much rather be out there ourselves.  Don't drop your stuff on the counter and walk away, especially when there's a line.  You'd be pissed if someone did it in front of you, so don't be that asshole. 

If you're nice to us we'll be nice to you.  It's that simple.  And you never know, there might be a coupon or something you didn't know about.  We really do like to help.  Although when we say "have a good day" we really don't give a shit what kind of day you have.       

What Makes A Family

This may sound silly, but I have no family.  No biological family, anyway.  I mean, those people are out there but they took their sides.  Guess who's side they didn't take?  Believe it or not, I'm okay with it.  Took awhile, and losing some people was much harder than others, but it is what it is.  I'm sure that in time I'll get into more of the back story.  But it's just hard to do right now.

Don't feel sorry for me.  I would truly hate that.  Because I have family.  The family I have made for myself.  I have my best friend, who's kids have always been my nephews.  Boy, they were so disappointed to find out we're not blood related.  I have my "other mom", as I've always called her.  She has taken over as my only mom, and she'll never know what that means to me.  I have my sisters, her 2 daughters who have my nieces.  One has been one of my oldest friends, and they know that I am always there when they need me.  Her husband is like that brother you fight with, but you know he has your back every time (just ask the guy who's tooth he knocked out defending me).  I shed a tear or 10 when my niece graduated high school, Ms. class president.  And my other nieces are just as amazing.  And I'll spare you from the past I had with one of her sons...but he wasn't my "brother" then so it's okay.

Then there are the people who have really had my back over the past 3 years of pure hell.  They wrote letters of support, letters that brought me to tears.  Even though I closed myself off, they still checked on me and wouldn't let me push them away.  My "work mom" has done things for me, even when I said I didn't need the help.  I have found people online who have listened to me cry about the same shit over & over, and have offered help that I never accept.

And then there's my Laptop Confessional whorez.  Yes, that's our term of endearment.  We have taken over the mindset of the honey badger, we just don't give a shit.  But someday we will have our commune and will all be sister wives.  BLaM is my same sex sole mate.  She gets me in a way nobody ever has.  She knows when something is wrong without me saying a word.  A prime example...I stood at my sink trying to decide how much of a particular pill to take.  Shortly after I got a text telling me to step away from the sink and the bottles.  Some freaky shit.  Vicks is my little hedgeho.  We laugh at her typicals (typos) and sometimes we shake our heads wondering ethnic (WTF) she is talking about.  The queen of auto correct.  Kat gave us our first badger baby.  And has shown me love even when I don't deserve it.  AC sent me a secret Santa gift that still lives in the same box.  She gets me, and is always the one who truly tells it how it is.  Ridgewalker is my favorite nerd, and sometimes I really miss her.  Confessor Cin I miss so much.  She is truly an amazing woman, who has given so much of herself.  J has become my sister Bruins fan, but that's only the tip of the iceberg.  She really just kicks ass.  And Spanks.  She leaves me with not enough words in the English language.  She is one crazy ass bitch who means so much to me, more than she probably realizes.  Then there's Zeno.  I wish he was around.  I miss him more than he knows.  Because I love what he has to say, and I blame him whether he did it or not.  And I know we all feel the same. 

Life gets crazy, but I hope you get to know them.  You'll probably see them pop in when they can.  They have truly saved my life on more than one occasion.  They are my family, whether they like it or not.                

The Strong Hold Of Addiction

When I was a kid there was a bar downtown called "The Colonial", and my mother would cross the street with us so we didn't walk by.  When I got older I learned that my father used to have to "remove" my grandfather from there quite often.  When we visited my uncle on the Cape, there was always the same smell in the house.  When I got older I went to a Rolling Stones concert, and learned what that smell was.  My mother used to say how careful we had to be, that addiction runs right through my family.  So I was a good girl, didn't drink or get high.  But everything was always a secret.  As an adult I realize that's probably how it was when she was growing up, you just don't talk about it.

Addiction is an awful thing.  Some people just think the addict is weak, that they bring it on themselves, that they should just stop.  Addicts are often seen as less of a person.  But addiction knows no age, no gender, no economic status.  Addiction doesn't care if you're a celebrity like Cory Monteith or Robert Downey Jr.  And addiction doesn't care if it takes away someone you love.   

"He said you'd be the one to save him", his friend told me one night.  And I think part of me has spent 20 years trying to do that, whether I realize it or not.  Nothing is an addict.  I can't tell you how many times I've dropped him at the VA for detox or rehab, how many times he's relapsed, how many times I hear that things would be different.  I was still the good girl, and he kept all this hidden from me.  Being as sheltered as I was I didn't know the signs.  I knew he drank and smoked pot, but I had no idea about the crack.  And probably other things I still don't know about.  I didn't recognize the dilated pupils or the jaw grinding.  I believed him when he said he used the crushed beer cans and nip bottles with the holes for smoking pot.  I never saw him do it.  He later told me that he wanted to "protect" me from it.  Unfortunately he didn't protect my heart.

"Why wouldn't you leave?"  I heard that over and over.  And I did, over and over.  But he'd draw me back in with promises.  I never used, so I had no idea what it was doing.  When he'd pick a fight with me and disappear for a few days I thought it was because of something I did.  It wore me down, made me feel like I wasn't enough.  Probably explains part of why I kept taking him back.  He's still the only man I've ever loved.  So I put up with it.  One day he smashed my car window.  So I tried to run him over.  Really.  He jumped on the hood of the car and wasn't hurt.  He got rough with me.  Just once.  I took out a restraining order, pressed charges.  Then refused to testify so the charges were dropped.

It wasn't always bad.  He stayed clean for long periods of time (as far as I know), spent time in long term rehab and in sober houses.  He always had a job of some kind.  Never laid a hand on me again, although he still had a real temper.  During one of those times we weren't together I found myself pregnant.  The father was "rebound man".  By this time Nothing and I were just friends.  But the feelings were always there.  And when things inevitably ended with the "sperm donor" and he'd stopped being part of my daughter's life, Nothing stepped up as a father to her.  He always said that blood didn't matter, that he was her daddy.  I think being "daddy" helped keep him clean for longer than he had been since we'd met. 

There would be times when he was doing great.  He was fun, sweet, and pretty much everything I wanted.  Then there would be other times when he'd be short tempered, angry, quick to fly off the handle.  I used to tell him "bring back nice ****".  After countless trips to rehab a doctor finally got to the bottom of some of his issues...he was bipolar.  The drinking in particular was his part of his way of self medicating. 

I knew I had to work on things myself.  In case you haven't guessed I was pretty co-dependent.  I tried going to Al-Anon meetings, but they just weren't for me.  Then I started to realize that my daughter was getting old enough to really notice what was going on.  And I didn't want her to think this was normal.  So I made the decision to end things. 

But I still checked obituaries to make sure I didn't find him.  I never stopped worrying, never stopped caring.  I had no idea where he was.  And after about 7 years I found him again.  Damn Google.  We've been off and on since then, although I never let him back into my daughter's life.  I still had to protect her from the uncertainty.  I do believe he's always loved me, at least as much as he could.  He still has his demons, and they still get in the way (although I don't think crack is one of them).  But I'm trying to let go.  I don't know what they future will bring but I do know I have to stand on my own two feet.  I have to not let my happiness be affected by what he does or doesn't do.  I'm trying.  But sadly he's almost my addiction.

***People have asked why I call him Nothing.  He's been my boyfriend, my fiancé, my friend, my ex, my daughter's daddy, my "one that got away", my booty call, my enemy...everything but my husband.  He knows that's how I refer to him, although he really doesn't like it.  Plus he'd be really pissed if he read this.