But Wait, There's More!

This morning I woke up at 4:30am and couldn't fall back to sleep.  Insomnia sucks.  There's not a lot to do at that hour (alone, anyway) so I turned on the TV.  It's amazing the things you can do.  If you, or someone you know, has suffered any kind of ailment or had anything replaced, you may be entitled to compensation.  You can get your college degree online, and they will even match you with the right school JUST FOR YOU.  Money tied up in a structured settlement?  JG Wentworth can help!  It's amazing how many celebrities look like shit if they don't use Proactiv.  And then there is this classic...they have even added the infamous line into their tag line. 

 

 

But nothing beats the "as seen on TV" products.  Let me first say that I have a warped affection for these products.  So much so that birthday and Christmas gifts exchanged with my best friend almost always include something "as seen on TV".  For Christmas she got her own Forever Lazy.  I own some items myself, but I'll get into that in a bit.

In the old days you could only get these items by mail, no CODs (if you're old enough that will make sense).  There was always a special offer...order now and we'll double your order, just pay separate shipping and handling.  Which made no sense, because you were paying that twice but they were shipping it all together.  Available for 4 easy payments of $39.99...but wait!  Act now and make only 3 payments of $39.99!

There are the classics, of course.  ShamWOW, Chia Pets, the BeDazzler, Flowbee (because who doesn't want to cut their hair with a vacuum?), Ginsu Knives, the Clapper, Richard Simmons and his "Sweating To The Oldies".  And then there was pretty much anything offered by Ron Popeil...Pocket Fisherman, Veg-O-Matic, GLH Formula Number 9 Hair System (the spray that covers your balding spots), the Chop-O-Matic and the Electric Food Dehydrator, just to name a few.  On a side note, when my grandmother died the minister looked just like him.  He asked the mourners "what would you give to get into heaven" and I turned to my mother and said "$19.95".  My father was not too happy with our attempts to keep from giggling.

Some of my new favorites have been getting a lot of airplay.  There's the Aero Knife, which actually says "if you want to cut the cheese".  When you're overtired and have the mind of a 12 year old boy that makes you snicker.  The Cat's Meow cat toy will turn your lazy kitty into crazy kitty. 
The Wax Vac ear cleaner, which I really don't need to describe.  The Olde Brooklyn Lantern, which sounds like a dirty sex reference.  The Table-Mate, which is like having 18 tables in one.

Here's the description of another that has caught my eye..."The Stone Wave will help you prepare delicious, gourmet foods in your microwave that your whole family will love, in LESS THAN five minutes! The secret is in the specially designed chimney that allows steam to escape, while the custom dome circulates heat evenly, infusing flavor into every bite! And with Stone Wave’s non-stick surface, you can make everything from eggs to baked desserts without butter, fats, or oils, for healthy, mess-free meals!"  With that many exclamation points how can it not be amazing?

I am not ashamed to say that I own some "as seen on TV" items.  I have 4 Snuggies, although they are all still in their boxes.  The Emory Cat scratch board, which Pedey has never scratched on.  I do love my Sticky Buddy (it has little rubber fingers that reach deep).  A few Chia-Pets, also in their boxes.  And various knock-offs too. 

The only "as seen on TV" offer I've ever gotten that I have never regretted was Bare Minerals.  I've never worn much makeup but the commercial made it took so appealing.  It was a "fully customizable get started kit" and completely won me over.  And no, I have no connection to the company.   

The next time you're watching these commercials just remember they're never quite as good as they seem.  Except for Life Alert...if I fall I wanna be able to get up.